I went minimally-processed vegan. It happened due to an intense migraine after eating a burger. And dropped four pounds in twelve relatively painless days. True, caloric intake was often below 1500 because really when you come down to it, it's hard to eat 1500 calories worth of fruit, veggies, nuts and beans. I've also been (unconsciously) avoiding grains and other veggie fats, and try not to consume processed soy/TVP products. I feel great. Hungry, but good. But there was little conscious restriction involved, I did eat chocolate and drink beer and wine. I'm not avoiding sugars, just most things that come in packets with nutrition labels, and if I do eat chocolate I make sure it's for a damn good reason. This is the most no-drama change that has ever happened to me. Is this peace?
But I AM going vegan, for better or worse, and minimally processed foods. For 100 days. Just to see what happens. Yes, I do hope that I lose weight, but also that I become more aware of what I eat. Also veganism has worked well for me in the past, in terms of how I feel mentally.
And I did go to a 90 minute modern dance class this morning despite significant soft tissue damage in one foot. Still not sure if that was a good idea. Time will tell. But it was good to LET GO, and move. Going to soak my foot and massage in some Voltaren.
Time is going by so fast. Hard not to be overwhelmed by anxiety, nervousness, hope and despair. Also, in 60 days it's summer, and I'm starting a sweet new consulting internship that could be the beginning of - oh, the rest of my life. Adulthood. Career. Has time really gone by so quickly? Just a little while ago (I was a hippie backpacker in Spain, then a bit before, getting high in Amsterdam, running wild in Hong Kong bars. Where has all the time gone? Who is this girl/woman/person now? I don't feel quite RIGHT in a suit, but I'm no longer the girl in a shredded top, booty shorts and Converse Chucks. I am a girl that LIKES school, likes working, doesn't really enjoy going out and getting drunk, can (and does) say no to a hookup because I'm looking for a serious relationship. But this girl also procrastinates for hours on NetFlix, puts off going to bed to blog, feels weird dropping $100 on a suit, lives in T-shirts and jeans, drops the f-bomb in front of some important professors. Sometimes deliciously irreverent, sometimes downright inappropriate. I still desperately look for approval from everyone around me, my day lives and dies on whether or not this person returns my smile, or this professor nods or frowns at what I say in class, mommy, mommy am I good enough yet? What will I be like when I grow up? Is this it? Am I grown up NOW? Why do I still feel so out of place in my own skin? The thing is, my body-angst - it has subsided to reasonable levels. I don't have to weigh 75 pounds. In fact, it is probably best that I don't. At 5'3"-5'4", with resolutely broad shoulders (for better or worse) and hips that made the boys in middle school wolf-whistle no matter HOW hard I tried to diet, run and squat them away - 75 pounds just isn't right, somehow. Somewhere between that and 129, there has to be a happy medium, I just haven't found it yet. And starving, purging and exercising 3 hours a day just doesn't seem to make sense anymore. Because, for all the drama I've had with men and sex, I'm actually okay with my body. It's not awful. My upper arms remain pretty toned unless I seriously abuse my body, and then they respond well to a few days of conscious eating and vigorous pushups. I have been able to avoid the formation of a "bottom line" between my glutes and my hamstrings, even through adolescence and the freshman 15 (and yes, I did gain the freshman 15). I know my body will not be this resilient forever, and I intend to make the best of it. Enough with not sleeping, starving and bingeing, not exercising, too much beer, too much caffeine, too many shots. Also, enough giving it up on a whim. If I'm going to invest in it, I have to start being judicious about how I use it. And while there is nothing inherently wrong with casual sex, right now, it's not the thing that is going to fulfill me. And I don't find it fulfilling. And my paranoia about STIs and pregnancy is far too strong to ever let it be physically satisfying, condoms and birth control pills or not.
So. I am hereby not allowed to take my emotions and frustrations out on this body. Or at least, I will start to try my very best...